The Supermom is a Fantasy

Reflecting on "I'm Every Woman, It's All In Me..."

Simone de Beauvoir has written that society is filled with myths about women, most of them based on fiction instead of actual reality. Some of them have been spread by the Catholic Church, some by governments, and some by popular culture. One that is all around us is the idea of the Superwoman, or even more impossible to reach, the Supermom. I know, I have been called a Supermom in certain times in my life, and I usually tell people it isn’t true.

You see, I live in the Philippines. And whether you criticize it or not, we have household staff. Some people would call this a remnant of our feudal society, while others, me included, consider them my liberation from household work. Let’s be real, no matter how liberated or progressive the spouse is, the bulk of the household work always falls to the wife, and that means an endless amount of chores staring down at you from “I do” to eternity. I am lucky because (a) I have household staff, (b) I have three kids all of whom know how to cook, wash the dishes, walk the dog, etc., and (c) I have a husband who can do all these things if he were not swamped by work. Without them, I would be endlessly tired and I would not have been able to work as a teacher. Add to that the pressures, expectations, and yes, actual work needed to be a good mom.

There is also the matter of composure. I try to be kind to my staff, especially given the freedom they provide me. I would hope that if we strive to be kind towards our co-workers, we also try to do the same with our children. This is hard. Most people do not have good role models when it comes to anger management with their children or their household staff, given that their parents usually flew off the handle when they were angry. To be calm under pressure, to deal with the situation head on, and to maintain a tone and mien of authority so the kids will mind you and do as they are told, are qualities befitting a general, and many moms I know would qualify.

There is also the mental burden of remembering every little thing, every test, school activity, and medical requirement. There is the societal dictum of looking like a Madonna, as if all mothers were Mama Mary, and to look good while doing it. There is the strange competition that other mothers have against each other, one that I would frankly rather not participate in, and I would give the biggest smile to the lady who wants to have the “Best Mother” award tagged on her chest and wish them the best.

Even as I enumerate the things mothers must do, I insist that we are not Supermoms, simply because we need help. Especially for those without household help, the mental, emotional, and physical burden can take a toll. We are not Supermoms, because we need a village to raise our children, and that means all hands on deck, everyone tries to do what they can. We are not Supermoms, because we can’t be super all the time - we cry, we get angry, we fail, we make mistakes - and so cut us some slack when everything is not perfect, all the time.

I write this, having just finished my Ph.D. in the longest time ever, because I often had to stop, not just to deal with my own problems, but also to help with my children’s problems. I am not the perfect student, perfect mom, perfect teacher, and I have actually never striven for perfection. Which leads me to one of the best quotes about motherhood I have ever heard. Nobody needs you to be perfect when you are a mom, everyone else would feel much better as long as you are happy. Because when you are happy, you can stop concentrating on what needs to be done, and instead, open your arms to the people you love.

Give me a happy mom over a perfect one. Give me a smiling, affectionate mom, over the “Best Mom” of the decade. Give me a dirty household with loving family members. For those who strive to be Supermoms out there, give yourselves a break. Have a piece of chocolate. Enjoy the company of your kids and your husband. And forget about being perfect. You will be loved, as is.

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