"They say the owl was a baker's daughter. Lord we know what we are, but know not what we may be."
Ophelia and her words
I came across this quote recently, courtesy of my friend Ada. I was delighted to remember that the speaker was Ophelia. Although Ophelia says this in the height of her madness, and just before she meets her tragic end, I have always loved and wondered at this particular quote, which has a strange resonance for me.
I was today year’s old when I found out that the alluded owl came from legend. That the baker’s daughter begrudged Christ some bread, and hence, she was transformed into an owl. But I am rather intrigued by the idea of transformations - of daughters into mothers, of girls into women, of what magic and nature and society sparks into being and makes us who we might be.
The future is always seen through a murky glass. We can guess at it, but can never truly know what it will be. And this is true for the self - we will never really know who we will become.
I had no idea what kind of woman I would change into - how motherhood, wifedom, and my chosen profession would shape me; how a hobby like jiujitsu could become a part of my identity. How my lifelong love of studying and reading would make me a lifelong student, albeit in the PhD level in the academe, and blue belt level in jiujitsu. And how my love for writing, which I have had since childhood, would endure.
I think this quote came to me at the time I had a slight paradigm shift. Suddenly, I remember how I used to be: sad and very much alone. And now I am completely different. Even though I still have the same playfulness and bossiness I had as a child, my relationships have built me into someone different. And I would never have predicted where I am now, personally and professionally.
I would never have predicted that my teaching would touch people. I never would have thought that my textbooks might mean something. I only had a deep wish, a hope, an almost hidden desire, of being Someone in the academe. I had stars in my eyes, dreaming of becoming an academic rockstar, and even though I am not that now, the dream made me someone worth listening to.
And so, yes, we are transformed by life, and not necessarily into tragedy. Maybe the hidden insight is that life is magical, and that we are all transformed, one way or another, into different substances, by the time we die. Alchemy, chemistry, fairytale magic.
We become who we were always meant to be.